I must be one of the most selfish people I know.
I’ve turned this over and over in my head hundreds of times and there’s just no other explanation. All the inner (and outer) conflict I have when it comes to parenting all boils down to what works best… for me.
I’m sure every mother experiences pangs of “Am I doing this right?” Most moms, I think, probably choose a side in the Mommy Wars and stick to it – sleeping, feeding, working… you name it. From time to time, we all have our doubts but deep down, we’re all so invested in the “side” we’ve chosen that it becomes impossible to see how the other side might have some merit.
Case in point: On Monday, I read Her Bad Mother’s post on how she surrendered the sleep battle, ceding to her son’s obvious need for a little nighttime comfort. The post was incredibly well-written and I highly recommend clicking on over. But it wasn’t the prose that rocked my world. It was the fact that she surrendered.
Catherine’s been writing about sleep a lot. And I had always thought we were in the same boat. On the same side. And then just like that, poof, she decides it’s not worth the fight anymore. That her son needs her, and recognizing that one day she’ll look back on these days of neediness with longing, she decided to let him have his way.
I don’t know if it was her way with words that gave me pause, her reasoning or the resounding responses in the comment section, but she actually got ME to rethink the whole sleep thing. My girl does need me. All she wants is her mommy to hold her, comfort her and reassure her. She’s 2. What’s so wrong with that?
And yes, while it would be difficult to let her spend the night with us, it wouldn’t be forever. She’s not going to come home after a date in high school and crawl into our bed.
So what’s my real motivation for insisting on sticking to the sleep-training/crying it out method when it’s obviously not working for us? Am I trying to teach her independence and good sleep habits, or am I just trying desperately (and in vain) to return to a time before she was born, when the evening began at 7 pm sharp?
Of course there’s the argument that if I don’t get at least some sleep, I’m not in the best state of mind to be a good mother. A patient mother. An understanding mother.
A fun mother.
But on the other hand, she wants me. Maybe even needs me. And I’m the only one she’s got. It’s not like she’s chock full of options of other people to turn to to provide for her.
I’m her mother.
And right now, I’m feeling a little lost.
Look at it this way. If she is sleeping, even if it is in your bed with you, then you can be sleeping too. I find with the cats, if it is easier for them to perch on my head, hip and anchor my feet to the bed just the fact they are not racing about the bedroom rocketing off the sides of the walls and allowing me to sleep is a good thing. I just have to conquer the feeling of claustraphobia at not being able to move.
It is not giving up it is choosing your battles and deciding which is most important. Sleep or privacy.
When she sleeps in my bed, there is little to no sleeping for me. She’s a toddler. She kicks, pulls, pinches, straps herself across my body. “Vake up, Mommy!” every two minutes.
And we threw privacy out the window 3 years and 9 months ago…
I have the same battle pains! I feel like it’s a constant struggle between providing consistency and routine while meeting our little one’s changing needs. I’ve gone the way of making some little compromises so we both feel like we win. Bedtime has lots of little steps, but it starts at about the same time every night and ends with the 3yo in her room. We recently added in a few extra minutes on Mommy & Daddy’s bed after we read her book (timed via iPhone alarm), before she goes into her room. The alarm alerts her when our time is done, relieving me of the mean-mommy role!
My goal is that I’m teaching our little one about compromises, not trashing the rules altogether. Lately she’s even started saying, “How about we…. Is that a good deal?” She’s starting to learn what’s not flexible in our routines (like wearing a seatbelt in the car) and coming up with some creative alternatives to the parts that are flexible (she can take off her boots instead). Ahh…peace.
A third party timer. Brilliant. Thank you.
Of course if you let her sleep in your bed, I’m sure your son would want to as well. You’d be opening a Pandora’s box of trouble. But then again, you’re the mother.
Mom
It’s interesting that you say that you think people pick a ‘side’ and stick with it – I’ve found that being flexible (supplementing breastfeeding with formula feeding; co-sleeping until they know how to sleep on their own, etc.) has been my sanity!
Maybe I’m weird. I can’t shout my position from the roof tops. I’ve looked at life from both sides now.
Okay, enough cliches.
I think balance is the key. Absolutely. They change so fast, and their needs change so fast, that we need to find a way to keep up!
We all have to do what works best for us and for our families. It’s hard when something works for one kid and not for the other, and it’s even harder to find a new way that doesn’t feel like giving in or waffling. You sound so relieved in the tone of this post that it seems like it’s the right decision for you at this time.
I am at a really low mommy moment myself. I read
And right now, I’m feeling a little lost.
and I cried.
All I can say is that if you can’t sleep with her in your bed then this will be a short lived experiment that will leave her longing. As an out there suggestion how about getting her a big girl bed and laying with her until she falls asleep? If it takes too long for her to fall asleep set a timer and tell her mommy will stay until the bell. And just lay there rubbing her back and giving her a little loving.
I warn you though, I am a seriously crappy mother ….. ask my kids …..
so i get the letting them sleep with you thing, i get that we have to give them what they need. but here is the issue i have, they are smart and sometimes if you give into that…there is no going back. and do you want her in your bed till shes dating? we tried something recently when our 3yr old was coming to our bed at 4am. (by the way thats what heppens when they go to a bed…they come out) first the rule was she had to lie on the floor next to our bed in a sleeping bag, then that was too comfy for her so we started a star chart for every three stars…a reward. oh and by the way she isnt sleeping properly in our bed either, i notice she is much more tired those days….food for thought.
Get your sleep now. Whatever it takes. When Perimenopause hits, you’ll be up in the middle of the night again.
ronit gets it!
Mom
I have complete faith that you will make the right decision. Just keep in mind you can always change things around as you find they are not working. I am not dogmatic despite what others may think. You can try one thing for awhile and see if it works, if not you can change it, may not be the straightest or easiest route but it is going to be the only one that works.
I didn’t pick a side, it picked me.
We cosleep, but because that’s what works….
We had a bassinet/cosleeper, and Alexa couldn’t sleep flat due to reflux when she first came home from the NICU. Then, once we learned to breastfeed laying down…I was hooked. Specially when I was FINALLY able to fall asleep while she nursed (because damn it felt weird and kept me up in the beginning
We’ve tried a bit of “sleep training” in the last month or so. The babe can cry for hours…and I’m just not ready to keep that up. Maybe I fucked myself when I started nursing her to sleep…but it’s the only trick in my bag really.
She won’t sleep with us when she’s a teenager (god I hope not, lol), so I know it will end and I will miss our snuggles one day.
I am dreading the toddler stage if she’s still in our bed. She’s already a wiggle worm/kicker, and she’ll only get stronger and more mobile…
Eh, we’ll revisit when something stops working.