So things have been running fairly smoothly around here since we got back from Florida. We’re all still in a relatively relaxed mood, and tonight the girl went to bed quietly after only 3 minutes of crying.
“Goo nat, Mommy!” she called as I walked past her room.
But on Wednesday, for some unknown reason, I found myself really short on patience. I had just wrapped up 3 weeks of no yelling, and I didn’t want to start now, but I knew their margin for error was slim that night.
The boy, so uncharacteristically, started giving me attitude at dinner. We were having pasta, and he wanted a crunchy noodle. As in, uncooked.
I didn’t have a problem with this, and told him he could have one after dinner. I didn’t particularly want his sister to get any ideas, because there’s a chance she might choke on a raw pasta.
“But I want it NOW,” he bellowed.
I was so completely taken aback.
I told him not to talk to me like that, and if he did it again he would get a time out. Long story short, 5 minutes later he was in time out.
I didn’t raise my voice at all. I spoke calmly but firmly to him. And he looks at me and says, “You’re hurting my feelings.”
It kind of made me feel terrible. Until I realized this was just something he was saying because he didn’t want me to be upset or angry with him.
He later even told me that his teachers hurt his feelings, and I know for a fact they love him to death and thinks he’s a great kid. So it must be that.
Anyway.
By the time I went to put my daughter to bed, I was pretty much done for. While I was changing her diaper, she started to hit me. Hard. I told her, again in a calm yet firm tone, that she should stop.
She smiled and hit me again.
“Little girl, if you keep doing that, I’m going to show you what it feels like. And I’m in just the right mindset to do it.”
She smiled and hit me again.
Hard.
I grabbed her wrist with one hand and slapped her arm with the other.
The look of complete shock and disbelief and “who the hell are you?” that crossed her face nearly bowled me over.
Then the lip started to quiver, and the girl began to wail.
The perfect mother, having taken into account that her daughter only gets aggressive when overly tired, would have spoken to her in a calm and soothing tone. Would have explained why not to hit instead of actually hitting back.
But I’m not the perfect mother.
In fact, I’m not convinced she exists.
In hindsight, I should have taken her hand and slapped her with that, so she would at least understand what I was trying to show her. From the scenario that actually played out, she probably took away that maybe she should be scared of me.
But we don’t live our lives in hindsight.
I didn’t hit her out of anger. The action may have been tinged with frustration but it’s really annoying to be swatted by a 2 year old. Seriously.
I mentioned the incident to a friend and he told me not to worry about it. His mother had hit him once or twice when he was a kid and he vowed that she felt so much worse about it than he did.
He’d forgotten about it minutes later, and she carried the guilt around for days.
So I’m not going to be that mom. I know what I did was wrong. And I do wish I could take it back. But I’m not going to punish myself for it. Why should I? She’s certainly not punishing me.
At least not yet.
And while there may be long term damages and complicated issues involving fear and self-esteem somewhere down the road as a result of one slap, I just can’t be bothered to worry about it.
I’ll leave that to the perfect mother.
Update (01/08/10): Thanks to Her Bad Mother who, through her own writing, gave me the courage to write this post.
Everyone loses it, and every parent has their moments like this, especially when the child is testing limits and being willfully bad. I once swatted my youngest on the backside (rather gently, i might add) when she was two-and-a-half when she pulled almost exactly the same trick as your daughter, except she was repeatedly kicking me. It was the only time I’d ever done anything like that with any of my kids and I did feel terrible, partly because her face crumpled in shock that I’d actually crossed that line. So when we all calmed down, I told her that sometimes adults make mistakes, and that I was wrong to react out of anger. We talked about what i should have done instead when she kicked me (giving her a time-out, sending her to her room, no dessert at dinner time, taking away her crayons, etc.), and what my consequences should be for losing my cool (something along those same lines. we are big on consequences). Made me feel better about losing my cool, because we were able to talk about how it could have been handled better.
On another note, she never did kick me again!
Yeah. I should have talked to her after. But in my defense, I think she’s still too young for that conversation. Would have worked well with my son, though. I’ll keep it in mind in case I ever smack him around…
Kids are NEVER too young to have a real conversation about real feelings – the good, bad, & the ugly. And I’d say its not even too late to have that conversation NOW. Let her know that what you did was wrong, why you did it, and what you can do better next time. Let her know it frustrated you that she hit you, that you were tired, overwhelmed – all of those things kids can understand to a point – and even if they don’t, the feelings behind it – they can see in your eyes. That needs to be said.
Kids are never too young to be given the words & feelings they’ll need for their lifetime. Certainly, things can be tailored in length and strength, but the essense of your apology and explanation shouldn’t be left ungiven because you think she might not understand. I’d fear she’d understand less why you didn’t talk to her about it.
Thank you for sharing your story, it was good to read that we’re not all perfect, even when we might be striving to be so.
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Seriously. I felt so horrible that I sat down with her and tried to explain the whole thing. She didn’t get it. She thought it was funny. She really had no clue what I was talking about.
But I learned something important. You were 100% right. Especially about the uncanny ability to read us.
Thank you.
Funny thing! I just heard on the radio yesterday (not that that makes it credible or not) that spanking may be on the way in, not in anger of course but sometimes its the most effective thing to do. I believe some lady wrote a book on it. I was only half listening. So there you are, right up to the minute.
And by the way, for the benefit of your readers who do not know her personally, its not any two year old little girl that smacked you, your Daddy sometimes refers to her lovingly as a little tank. I can imagine it was quite a smack!
Mom.
This is why I love you and your blog. You are so open and honest and out there. I have pulled my 2 year old hair to show him how it feels and to keep him from doing it to me and others. I have slapped my kids hands when they repeated do things with them that are unsafe or against the rules — play with a light socket, throw things, etc. Here’s the thing with kids… they don’t understand boundaries on their own. You have to help them. That’s one of the most important jobs a parent has, imho. And different kids respond to different ways of sending that message. With my oldest, I can basically tell him once not to do something, and he stops — always has been that way. My youngest is strong willed and stubborn and ornery and thinks he can look at you with his great, big eyes and get away with things. He requires more frequent and forceful “reminders.” At 2, he’s probably been in time out more times than his 5 yo big brother. As I said on Twitter — you have to do what works for you, and your child — knowing what you now about your little girl, you did what you thought would have an impact. If it doesn’t work… you try something different the next time. That’s the perfect parent — the one who never gives up trying to be the best they can be!
Thanks, Jill. I’ve said this before, but our kids are so remarkably similar. I hope they get to meet and hang out. More importantly, I hope we get to meet and hang out…
Oh man. I hate it when I just lose it with the kids, but it happens and I’ve been in your shoes. As you said, I think you’d be hard pressed to find a mother that hasn’t lost her $hit once in awhile and said or did something she was not proud of 2 minutes later.
Wow, I hope spanking is making a comeback so I can check one more thing off the long list of “things I’m not allowed to do as a good parent”.
So been there. I actually bit my 2yo a couple weeks ago… because she bit me. I was mad & time outs were apparently not working because this wasn’t the first biting incident. I didn’t leave a mark, but I apparently got her good enough to prove my point, that biting hurts because she hasn’t bit anyone since.
She cried for a few minutes. I called my husband & cried for a few minutes. I hugged her, kissed her & we both apologized & we went on. I doubt she even remembers – I obviously do!
I don’t want to be perfect!
Her Bad Mother inspired my post today, too. I believe that we are all struggling to find our way with this parenting thing. I’ve never mastered anything in my life without making mistakes along the way, and this is no different.
Providing you aren’t bothered by it, aren’t worrying about it, and aren’t punishing yourself over it. Providing.
what happens during a time out? We’ve all (me n my bro, hubby n his sis) got to know the cane/stick/hand quite well. we as kids weren’t always on our best behaviours.
I was a little like your little girl – I think it comes from being younger and a girl
That’s an interesting theory.
Regarding what happens during a time out… nothing much. The kid is removed from the environment and sent to sit in the corner for as many minutes as he is old. Afterward, you have a talk with the kid to make sure he understood what he did wrong, that he can articulate it, have him apologize and let him know that you love him.
Surprisingly, it’s quite effective.
I wasn’t trying to make you feel horrible. Just trying to say that in striving to be a better parent, I *try* to focus less on my kids’ behavior & more on my own & how I respond in situations & message that I’m giving. I think its wonderful that you sat down with her & tried to talk to her – regardless of how she seemed to respond… what DID happen was that she saw you tried to connect with her. That’s more important than words actually said/understood. The more you share your feelings, and that becomes the norm, the more she’ll do that to you in return, and as she gets older, you’ll find great value in real conversations about real feelings (I’m thinking teen years here). The more trust she builds in you now – the more she’ll trust you later for the really hard stuff. ((hugs))
Again, thanks. You’re right. Completely right.
Don’t feel bad. This has happened a few times in my house. When you lose it, you lose it. My son’s hitting is getting worse despite all the conversations and time-outs. I don’t know what to do. By the way, my son needs to meet your daughter. They are very similar. He’s 2 1/2 and a real looker.
Dear lord, I don’t think I could handle TWO of them. Watch out world!
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