On an average day, I’ll pick up my kids from school, get them through dinner and baths and get them off to bed. My frustration often sets in during bath, although it doesn’t take much to set me off as early as dinner prep.
On a good day, the frustration and impatience only sets in around story time. The problem is, even on the best of days (and they’re rare), I still lose when it comes time to turn out the light.
Do you get what I’m saying? Even on the BEST of days, I still lose my shit with my kids. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m not cut out for this gig.
Of course I love them and would probably lay down my life for them, but they drive me a little bit insane each and every day. I don’t know how much more give room there is – I imagine there must be a limit on everyone’s sanity.
It doesn’t break my heart to hear them cry. In most cases, it actually annoys me. I’m talking bedtime here, not injury or hurt feelings.
I can sit on the couch for 2 hours and listen to her wail. Sure, I’ll be tense and biting my tongue to keep from screaming, but I don’t feel at all compelled to go up there and soothe her.
Does that happen to anyone else?
Kristen Chase just wrote this beautiful post about how knowing your children is the best gift you can give them; the way she measures her success as a parent.
Another blogger I love, Liz Gumbinner, also wrote a post this week that spoke to me. Hers was all about how we have to step back, enjoy our children and from time to time, screw work, obligations and rules and just be.
Funnily enough, both Liz and Kristen wrote their posts as odes to their daughters on their birthdays. They were both touching and heart-stopping at the same time.
Of course they’re right. And after every vacation or great weekend outing we vow to spend more time with our kids, treat them better and have more patience.
We say it, we mean it, but can we really follow through? The next time we have a late conference call, an early meeting, the email that just needs to be read and answered asap…
In regard to what Kristen wrote, I do know my children. Down to every last detail. I can tell 24 hours in advance when they’re going to get sick and diagnosis them correctly 98% of the time.
I know why they cry, I can read the tone in their voices and pick up cues about their impending behaviour based solely on their body language. I know exactly how much change is too much change in their routines.
I know that my daughter needs a different kind of parenting than my son. I know who to use logic and reason with, and who to be firm with. And in precisely which situations.
But here’s the thing. Just because I know these things, it doesn’t mean I necessarily do them.
Crazy, no? I can’t figure it out. And I’ve tried. No matter what, I simply refuse to budge. I’m going to raise them how I think they should be raised, which is not necessarily how they need to be raised.
I can read their cues, but I don’t always act appropriately on them. I know not to talk down to them, but sometimes, sometimes I still catch myself doing it. I’ve been petty, mean and cold with them. On more occasions than is comfortable to admit.
Why?
These are my children. I am their guide in this world. I’m their protector.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you! you just have the balls to write what we all feel…..xoxo
I do the same thing. I can be petty and cold with my son. I also ask myself whether I am cut out for motherhood. I just try to keep in mind that when we’re around other people, I get wonderful comments on my son. I figure if everyone else enjoys and loves him that much, then I have to be doing something right.
I have been there. I’ve had weeks where I wonder how much therapy it will take to keep my poor kids sane.
The best trick I have found for me to use is to pretend someone is watching me. If you think about it, you usually behave better yourself when you have an audience and so when you are dealing with the stress & just trying to handle situations, imagine those prying eyes that see you in public. It makes me stop & react differently usually because I try to remember I’m making an impression on them, too, not just the people who see me out in public. I’ll write you a post about this & come back with a link later. Sorry so long!
Just breathe.
As Allison says, you say it how it is!
I don’t think there is a right way or a wrong way for bringing up children, there is just a right way and a wrong way to bring up each individual child and like you have so identified with both of your children, each needs to be handled differently. Same with my two.
People in my street would look at me when my oldest would fall and cry and I would say “oh, get up and go and play”. I would probably sound cold and harsh towards her but that girl would go for the flippin’ Oscar with her drama queen ways if I let her. So, yes I came across as a cold hearted bitch but I know my daughters and exactly how they should be handled.
And like you I’ve listened to them cry for hours and ignored it. I can also shut down and be cold at times. There is nothing wrong with us, we are only human.
xxx
Human you.
True to yourself.
Can’t connect to the Romanced Ideas of Parenting.
Do not feel bad that you’re being yourself with them, it’s the sanest thing really.
We all lose our shit with our kids. All of us. The reason I can tell myself to do better is because there’s plenty of room above where I am now.
I remember once telling a shrink all the things that were wrong with me. Very wisely, she said, “I think the worst thing isn’t any of those – it’s that you’re too hard on yourself.”
Yeah, that was my next post… (ha).
But seriously, it’s called being “human.”
The fact that you are aware of this is huge. Be compassionate with youself and take teeny tiny baby steps towards the way you want to act. Also maybe find a role model.
Well, I certainly feel a little better now. Thanks all, for the very supportive and reassuring comments.
Bless you Julie for such honest posts and bless everyone that comments and shares own experiences. Having moved to Germany I still don’t have that many mommy friends, and reading this blog reassures I’m not crazy
Definitely not crazy. How long have you been in Germany? You gotta find some support, some partners in crime…
Been here for almost 2 years now. But we’ve moved in between and now temporarily live in a small town where cool mommies are hard to find
Nevertheless I’m working to grow my small mommy-posse.