My husband is gone on yet another business trip. He never used to travel a lot, but as his business grows, so does the balance of his frequent flyer account.
It’s funny, because I complain constantly while he’s here that he doesn’t help out enough. Yet when he’s gone, I’m lost. Turns out he might do a lot more than I thought. Perhaps not with the day to day, but certainly in the way of emotional support.
He never helps me clean or tidy, but when he’s gone, there doesn’t seem to be any cleaning or tidying to do. Who knew my kids were neater than my husband? The boy shocked me the other day when he took out his floor-mat piano, put it together, played with it and then put it away again. His father would have left it on the floor.
And it’s still me getting up with them every morning and getting them ready for school, but I have no one to bitch at while I’m doing it. Which kind of sucks.
Bedtime is hard. That’s where he really shines. When I lose my patience, he always steps in, turns the situation around and gets the kids to sleep. When I’m alone with them at bedtime, there’s usually yelling, tears and hurt feelings. I fall apart. I lose control.
When he’s in town, there’s nothing I love better than when he takes the kids to his mother’s house for the afternoon. The peace and quiet, the freedom to do whatever I want in my own house – it’s priceless. But when he’s gone, really gone, our teeny tiny house seems so big… and empty.
At night, I check each door 3 times. I use the chain on the front and back doors. I lock the gate at the top of the stairs. And because I can (the dogs are at my sister in law’s), I close my bedroom door tight. And then I worry. Will I hear her if she cries? Will I hear the intruders before they hit the landing? Why didn’t I go with him?
When he’s gone, there are no pillow fights, no horse play and a general lack of laughter in the house. I spend so much of my energy just trying to get by that we (I?) forget to have fun. Moments like the one pictured above are a distant memory.
This is me. Unsuccessfully trying to communicate how much I miss my husband. How much I need him. And how lonely I am when he’s not around.
I love you, baby.