I was at a birthday party the other day for one of my daughter’s friends. The kids were all playing upstairs and the moms were in the living room, sitting around and chatting the way moms do when their husbands aren’t around.
I knew the hostess fairly well, and the other two women had children in my daughter’s class, so I knew them, too, just not as well. We started swapping stories about the expectations placed on mothers, the double-duty of working both inside and outside the home… the general lack of understanding from our partners about what it is to be a mother.
One of the elder women, who had been sitting in the background listening, said, “I hate to tell you, but women were never liberated.”
We all fell silent, recognizing the truth in her statement. And I was positively shocked when the silence was broken by one of the mothers saying to me, “You know, I always thought you had such a perfect life. And a perfect marriage.”
Clearly, she doesn’t read this blog.
But seriously, it made me think of a post I read last week, which I only found because of another incredible post by the same author which was so incredible it led me back to her archives where I found this.
In both scenarios, we were both awestruck at the notion that outsiders looking in saw a perfect little life. It just goes to show that you never know what’s going on with other people, in other homes.
We all have our problems. On that day, at that party, we all went on to share them. And I firmly believe that in doing so, we all got a little bit stronger. There’s power in solidarity.
It does us no good to envy the ideal family splashed across the pages of glossy magazines. The celebrities who have got it all down pat; who make it look effortless. Our neighbours, with their perfect lawns and well-dressed children.
I don’t believe they exist. It’s a construct, and I have no idea what its value is. It doesn’t make any of us feel better. It’s not like it gives us something to aspire to – it just makes us feel like shit because we’ll never be able to achieve that level of perfection.
Sure, some people take to parenting easier than others, and some people are just better at it. I’ll concede that point. But even those guys have their rough patches.
Reading those 2 posts on Momastery made me feel better. They made me feel jealous as all hell that I hadn’t been the one to write them, but they made me feel a little less alone.
I know we all got something out of that conversation at the party. Imagine if there were more of those. Imagine if, instead of being made to feel like you were doing it wrong, you were offered some support when you spoke out about the difficulties you were having.
How liberating would that be?
Just imagine.
Julie, another wonderful and insightful post. But I have to question the statement that women were never liberated. Being a parent (and perhaps particularly a mother) clearly comes with enormous demands and responsibilities. But those don’t necessarily constitute un-liberation. I’m now free in a way my grandmother never was to choose not to have children. I can make that choice because I’m also free in a way she never was to be economically independent, which I is true because I was free to go to grad school. I was also free to leave my first husband when that relationship became unsustainable, whereas women of my grandmother’s generation were stuck, even in overtly abusive relationships (I know some of them). So yes, there is still a way to go, perhaps especially where parenting parity is concerned. But make no mistake that women today have all kinds of freedoms and choices we didn’t have just two generations ago. I am aware of that and grateful for it every single day of my double-income-no-kids life. (Not that my choices are better than anyone else’s, but they are just that: my choices, which I was free to make for myself. That’s a tremendous thing.)
To your larger point, though: yes, I heartily agree that life would be much better if we all shared the struggles we do have with each other more openly. I’m so glad you got to do that at the party.
I agree absolutely. What the woman was referring to was the fact that even though we were all working outside the home, the burden was still placed on us to do the traditional at-home tasks, as well. That even though we had won our freedom, we still weren’t fully liberated. Sorry – I should have elaborated on that.
Makes total sense. I just wanted to acknowledge the hard work of others (and their success) in getting us as far as we’ve gotten, even though there is clearly more work to be done.
Thanks again for your post and your amazing blog.
I agree with the comments the women said – the burden of the work is still on us.
However, what is more enlightining is having this conversations with other mmothers. Once we all start talking, we quickly realize that many of us have in-law issues, relationship issues, kid issues – and the list goes on. We should take comfort in the fact that we aren’t alone. We just need to talk about it more so that we don’t feel so alone.
This is why I love your blog Julie. And I don’t even have kids.
Thanks, Andrea.